📌 The Subtle Debilitating Power of "Should"

And how it quietly held me hostage.

I had so many rules for life. Only... I didn’t know they were rules.

They were hidden under something softer, sneakier, more “motivational”:

Should.

I should be more present.

I should be a better wife.

I should be better at my job.

I should cook more.

I should hang out with that person more.

I should eat healthier.

I should exercise.

I should I should I should.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it.

It felt normal. Responsible. Even virtuous.

But under the surface, each should was a quiet little rule - one I didn’t know I’d written for myself.

And with every “should,” I was silently measuring how far I’d fallen short.

The Rulebook I Didn’t Know I Was Living By

At the encouragement of my psychologist, I started tracking every time I said or thought the word should.

What I discovered over those three weeks was eye-opening:

I wasn’t setting goals… I was enforcing laws. Four A4 pages full of them!

Laws I never consciously agreed to or was aware of, but lived by all the same.

And those laws weren’t making me better.

They were making me anxious.

They were making me feel like a failure.

They created a gaping chasm between my real life and my ideal life, and instead of building a bridge, I just stood at the edge feeling inadequate.

“Should” Doesn’t Motivate… It Guilt-Trips

The problem with shoulds is they pretend to be helpful.

They sound like guidance, but they’re actually shame in disguise.

Instead of encouragement, I felt pressure.Instead of momentum, I felt stuck.

The more I “should-ed” myself, the more I spiralled into procrastination and paralysis.

It wasn’t just unhelpful, it was debilitating.

From Rules to Preferences

With help, I started untangling this pattern.

One of the most powerful shifts was reframing each “should” into a preference.

Instead of:

“I should exercise more.” I started saying: “I’d prefer to move my body more often, because it feels good.”

That tiny shift removed the guilt.

It wasn’t a command or a moral judgement. It was just something I wanted, not something I owed.

From there, I started to try and set realistic goals. Not big sweeping changes - just small, manageable ones.

10 minutes of movement. 3 times a week. No specifics, no pressure. If I did it - I celebrated. If I didn’t - I didn’t spiral.

And gradually… it became a habit.

Not because I should.Because I could.

Take “Should” Out of Your Vocabulary, For Good.

This isn’t just a mindset shift, it’s a language shift.

Try it for a week: Every time you catch yourself saying, or thinking, “I should,” stop and reframe it as “I would prefer.”

• “I should eat better.” → “I’d prefer to eat foods that nourish me.”

• “I should call her more.” → “I’d prefer to stay connected with her.”

• “I should exercise.” → “I’d prefer to move my body today.”

It might seem small, but words matter.

Should is heavy. It carries judgment and obligation.

Prefer is lighter. It carries intention and agency.

You’re not enforcing a rule. You’re expressing a desire.

And that small change? It creates room for self-compassion to grow.

The Next Layer: Self-Compassion

Changing my language was just the beginning.

The next layer was practicing self-compassion, the thing “should” never makes space for.

I started noticing the spirals.

I caught myself mid-should.

I learned to pause, ask questions, and check in with my body, not just my inner critic.

Some days I still fall into old habits.

But I’ve learnt to respond with curiosity instead of judgement.

Because here’s the thing:

You can’t shame yourself into growth.But you can grow from a place of gentleness.

If You’re Stuck in the “Should” Spiral…

Start by paying attention.Write them down. All of them.

Notice what areas of your life you attach the most “shoulds” to - that’s often where the loudest inner critic lives.

Then ask:

• What would it look like to turn this into a preference?

• What would happen if I let go of the rule?

• What do I actually want?

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You don’t have to be ruled by your shoulds. You can choose something different.

This was just the beginning of my brain re-training, there’s more to share, but that’s a story for another time.

See you on The Other Side,

Sarah