📌 The Overused Apology

Why we say “sorry” for being ourselves, and how to reclaim our voice.

Saying “sorry” is polite... right?

It smooths over minor bumps, acknowledges genuine mistakes, and shows empathy. 

But somewhere along the way, it seems to have become our default response for everything from breathing too loudly to existing fully in our own skin. We’re so conditioned to apologise for taking up space, speaking our truth, or simply being that we end up undermining our own authenticity, and each other’s.

When “sorry” becomes white noise…

“Sorry I’m late.” 

“Sorry for the length of this email.” 

“Sorry, but…” 

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

“Sorry for rambling.”

Flip through your messages, your calendar invites, or your last conversation, and you’ll spot them everywhere. These habitual “sorries” are often offered before a thought is even fully formed. We’ve learned to pre-empt disapproval by apologising for our very presence.

But I've noticed that there’s a cost to this over-apologising:

• We dilute real apologies. When everything warrants a ‘sorry’, genuine remorse feels cheap.

• We shrink our presence. Every unnecessary apology signals to others that we don’t deserve space.

• We normalise self-effacement. Over time, we start believing we should be sorry for occupying time or words.

Why I think we’re so quick to say sorry.

My observation is there are a few key reasons we say sorry as an automated response:

1. Social conditioning. Many of us were raised to be “good girls” or “nice boys,” taught that peace-keeping meant self-silencing.

2. Fear of conflict. A preemptive apology feels safer than potential pushback.

3. Low self-worth. If we don’t believe our needs matter, we apologise for voicing them.

4. Digital echo chambers. Online, a single misstep can lead to harsh judgment, so we apologise before we even post.

   
   

But here’s what I’ve found: speaking up, making requests, or even disagreeing doesn’t automatically harm anyone. Often, what offends us is not the content but the tone, and tone comes from presence, not from an extra “I’m sorry.”

Replacing unnecessary “sorries” with something stronger

What if, instead of “sorry,” we chose:

• “Thank you for waiting.”

• “I appreciate your patience.”

• “I’d like to share something.”

• “Here’s what I need.”

• “I feel…” or “I think…”

These phrases honour both our perspective and the listener’s. They demonstrate confidence in our own experience without diminishing it.

Practicing self-respect in everyday moments

1. Pause before you speak. Notice when an apology rises to your lips, and ask yourself: Do I truly need to apologise?

2. Own your needs. Replace “Sorry, can I…” with “I’d like to…,” or “I need…” or even the old trusty “Excuse me, can I…”

3. Learn the difference. Save “I’m sorry” for moments of real regret, when you’ve genuinely caused harm.

4. Encourage others. When friends apologise unnecessarily, reflect it back: “You don’t need to say sorry for that.” Let them know they don’t need to apologise for existing.

Saying “no” without guilt

Our deepest fears - of being seen, of being too much etc. - often fuel the compulsion to apologise. 

When we learn to stand in our power, we realise that boundaries and honesty are gifts to everyone involved.

Saying “Unfortunately, I don’t have the capacity right now” is kinder than a deflated “Sorry, I’m busy.”

Saying “I’d prefer we talk later” is braver than “Sorry to bring this up.”

Saying “That doesn’t feel right for me” is cleaner than “I’m sorry if that’s inconvenient.”

#SorryNotSorry: A Misguided attempt to Reclaim Our Voice

Then there’s the #sorrynotsorry movement.

A phrase that I think was meant to help us reclaim confidence and take up space unapologetically.

And I get it.

For far too long, we’ve apologised for existing, for speaking, for needing, for being human.

But here’s the thing:

#Sorrynotsorry isn’t actually empowerment. It’s deflection. And it’s blatant disregard.

It’s a performative, half-hearted rebellion against a culture of chronic apologising.

While the sentiment absolutely makes sense; "I’m tired of shrinking myself", I think the execution totally misses the point.

Instead of genuinely stepping into our power, it offers a passive-aggressive mic drop wrapped in sarcasm.

It’s like saying:

“I feel like I should say sorry, but I’m not going to… so here’s this half-apology to make it palatable.”

But the problem is, we’re not actually reclaiming the right to stop apologising when it doesn’t serve us. We’re just mocking the apology itself. And in doing so, we start to chip away at its meaning again, especially when it does matter.

Because when we use “sorry” so casually or ironically, we diminish the impact of a sincere apology.When we really have hurt someone, when repair is needed, “I’m sorry” should carry weight. It should signal humility, accountability, and care. But in a world of #sorrynotsorry, it can start to feel hollow. 

What I think we actually need is not fewer apologies but truer ones.

And to stop offering apologies where confidence or clarity is what’s really needed.

You don’t need to say sorry for:

• Having a boundary

• Taking up space

• Saying no

• Being yourself

But when you’ve caused harm, say it.

Say it fully.

And mean it.

Reclaiming our voice

This isn’t about becoming rude. It’s about being respectful, to ourselves and to others. It’s about finding the balance between sensitivity and self-respect. It’s about recognising that our words carry weight, and we don’t need “sorry” to soften every sentence.

The next time you catch yourself apologising for simply speaking or existing, pause. Ask: “What do I want to say instead?” Practice that new phrase. Over time, your voice will grow stronger, your boundaries clearer, and your relationships more genuine.

Because authenticity isn’t rude. It’s revolutionary.

See you on The Other Side,

Sarah

*Of course there are psych-approved reflection questions for the deep divers!

Reflections:

• Notice every “sorry” you say today. Which ones were necessary? Which ones weren’t?

• How did replacing an unnecessary apology with a statement of need or gratitude feel?

• What’s one situation this week where I will choose not to apologise, and what will I say instead?