📌 Learning to Speak Again

Unlearning toxic communication, one awkward conversation at a time.

**If you have read my previous post ‘The Communication Dance’ this post is sort of a follow on from that. If you haven’t don't worry! Keep reading, these wonderings can be read in order or separately.

Danny Silk’s Communication Dance is one of those things I come back to time and time again. And not just because it’s practical or insightful but because it helped me realise something important:

Most of us never learn how to communicate well. We just learn how to survive conversations.

And there’s a huge difference between the two.

The Communication Styles No One Warned Us About

We talk a lot about love languages. Attachment styles. Personality types. Emotional intelligence etc.

But what about our communication styles?

• Passive communication is when we don’t express what we really want, because we’re afraid of conflict, rejection, or seeming “too much.” So we say things and hope others can read our minds or interpret what we’re really trying to say.

  
  

• Aggressive communication steamrolls over others -  using volume, intensity, or control to dominate the conversation.

  
  

• Passive-aggressive communication is when we use silence, sarcasm, or subtle digs to say what we’re too afraid to say out loud.

  
  

But what I’ve learned is, None of these styles build connection.

They all stem from fear.

And they all keep us from being fully seen.

But the worst part?

We’ve normalised these communication habits to the point we don’t even see them anymore.

We give the silent treatment and call it “space.”

We ask manipulative leading questions and call it “politeness.”

We avoid hard conversations and call it “peacekeeping.”

I don’t think it’s working…

We teach people how to talk to us, whether we mean to or not.

One of the biggest shifts in my communication journey was realising:

I can’t expect others to meet my needs if I don’t even know how to identify them and then be able to express them.

If I don’t know how I communicate, how can I explain it to someone else?

And if I don’t take time to understand how they communicate, how can I meet them with grace?

It starts with paying attention to our default reactions:

• Do I shut down when I’m upset?

• Do I raise my voice when I feel unheard?

• Do I drop hints instead of saying what I mean?

• Do I use guilt or obligation to get my way?

• Do I assume I know what they meant without asking any clarifying questions?

None of this makes us “bad communicators.”

It just makes us human.

But it does mean we may have some unlearning to do.

The Little Traps We Set Without Realising

Here’s one I’ve become hyper-aware of: leading questions.

Let’s say someone texts you,

“Hey, what are you up to on Tuesday?”

Seems innocent, right?

You reply, “Not much, why?”

They reply, “Cool, I need someone to take me to the airport and thought I’d see if you were free!”

And suddenly... Boom! You’re in a corner.

You already said you weren’t busy, and now you feel obligated to say yes, even if you don’t have the capacity.

Even if you don’t want to.

Even if the thought of doing it makes your stomach sink.

And what happens if - like me - you’re a reforming people pleaser and you have a hard time saying no, especially now they know you’re free.

The hardest part is, we absolutely think we’re being polite by asking this way.

I know because I used to do it too.

But it’s actually manipulative, even when it’s unintentional. 

We’re subconsciously fishing for a “yes” before giving the other person all the facts.

We’re subconsciously stacking the deck in our favour by using someone’s own words against them.

This is unfortunately the societal norm, and so many of us do it on auto-pilot not understanding what we're actually doing.

And many of us have never even realised why we start to feel anxious if someone asks us what we’re up to without providing the context or any additional information.

Until now.

So how do we do it better?

My observation is: We learn to lead with clarity.

“Hey, are you free Tuesday? I need someone to take me to the airport and thought I’d ask if you’re available.”

Or if you are the person receiving the “what are you up to Tuesday?” question, ask for more information straight up. “Why’s that?” It's not rude. 

And you’re teaching them they can give you the full context of the question straight up.

Simple. Honest. No games.

Ask the questions we are really trying to ask, and then let the other person decide their answer for themselves.

By doing this, you’re giving the other person a real opportunity to say no.

You’re giving them their power to choose.

And here’s the key, you let them.

You don’t press for a reason.

You don’t guilt them with your tone.

You don’t make them justify it.

You give them back their power to choose their answer with all the facts presented.

It’s not our job to pre-manage people’s answers or think for them.

People are allowed to say no. You are allowed to say no. No is a full sentence.

And what happens when you start to feel guilty for communicating this way? 

If people don’t have the confidence yet to hold that boundary, to say no?  

Then that’s their growth edge.

It’s not your responsibility to carry it for them.

I know it’s hard, trust me I know. But what I’ve found is that communicating this way, without games just honesty, is actually freeing. When people start learning how to communicate with you like this, with their power and freedom intact, and building trust in each other's answers without thinking for them, you give them the confidence to do the same. 

Why does it matter?

Because ultimately, every human wants the same thing:

To be fully seen.

To be fully known.

To be fully loved.

For people to care enough to want to understand you, rather than argue or change you.

And that kind of connection can’t grow in conversations built on silence, control, guilt, or guessing.

(Remember, no one is a mind reader!. So even if you think “They should know”, try checking to make sure, because the strong possibility is, they don’t know.)

This kind of connection requires clarity.

Vulnerability.

Respect.

Humility.

Where to start? Start with your own style.

Are you assertive?

Passive?

Sarcastic when hurt?

Quick to interrupt?

Do you bottle things up until they explode?

Do you avoid discomfort by “keeping the peace”or being a martyr?

Do you feel like you have to filter yourself to be accepted?

These are patterns we’ve learned (often from our families).

You can ask yourself:

• What was the communication style in your childhood home?

• Were feelings talked about or shut down?

• Did people yell? Withdraw? Use shame?

• How did conflict play out?

These are the blueprints we carry into our relationships,  until we unlearn them.

Especially in romantic relationships…

It’s not just about how we talk but also where we learned to talk that way.

Knowing your partner’s family communication style is huge.

It helps you decode why they avoid conflict, or shut down during a fight, or try to fix everything instead of just listening.

And it gives you a shared language to start doing things differently.

To make conscious choices instead of default reactions.

It gives you a chance to break the cycle.

So maybe, just maybe, we need to re-learn how to speak.

Not just to say the right words, but to mean them.

Let our yes be yes and our no be no.

To offer our words with honesty, softness, and clarity.

To give people the dignity of choice. To stop thinking for others. To ask the question, even when we think we know the answer.

Because when communication becomes a space where everyone can show up - unfiltered, unafraid, and fully themselves - something beautiful happens:

We stop managing each other.

And start meeting each other.

These are the kind of conversations I want to have... How about you?

See you on The Other Side,

Sarah

*As always. There are Psych approved reflection questions for those who love to take a deep dive!

• What’s your default communication style under stress?

• What habits did you learn from your family?

• Where do you catch yourself being unclear or leading?

• How do you respond when someone says “no” to you?

• What would it look like to give others (and yourself) more freedom in communication?